like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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