I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Ketchup is God's man juice
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
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