i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
