I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
