I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
