please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
