The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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