I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
