i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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