i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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