fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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