birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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