Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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