you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
