Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
