You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
