Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
