Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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