We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
my being single is dangerous.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
