and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Even the bartender felt bad for me
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
i out mim tonsoeep
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
