I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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