Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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