i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
