A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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