So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
