my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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