I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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