i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
That's when you crack a 10am beer
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
