GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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