Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
