My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
