I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
