bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Randomize
