Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I see more hoeing in ur future
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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