Small penises have feelings too.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
