Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
