i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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