At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
