She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Randomize
