I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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