Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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