Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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