your room smells of hookers.
And success
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
