Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You are a genius and a whore.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
