3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Just high enough for therapy.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
