Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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