we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
