You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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