he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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