Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
